(sigh) So life and death are two incredibly complex human conditions. Friends die, children die, parents die, long time pets die all for reasons we may be aware of or for reasons we may never know. For me the "not knowing" piece is the most difficult part to accept. I'm a person who NEEDS answers and many times I can't accept "there's no answer" as an answer. This is going to get brighter, I promise...just not right away.
I found out last Friday evening that my godmother had past away. Her funeral was today. She had been fighting cancer for the last few years and this last year seemed to be the most aggressive battle. She had been on my mind really heavy lately so I called her last Monday. Her voice was so frail. I could hear how weak she was and yet she was still asking about me and how my life was going. That really broken my heart, but I kept it together for her as best as I could. I was still optimistic about her condition until she asked me to sing at her funeral. With her trembling voice she asked me to sing You Are So Beautiful. I think she knew she was already on borrowed time. We exchanged I love yous and that was the last time I would ever talk to her.
The last time I saw her was from the stage of Parade. She came and suffered that cold ass theater just to see me. And those of you who've seen Parade before...IT'S LONG. But she was there just for me. She and my godfather, her husband, are without flinching my biggest fans. They've been my biggest fans since even before my first high school show (Once on This Island). I knew she loved me, but now I'm starting to find out just how much.
Random tangent: I remember one time my godparents took me out to dinner, my godfather dropped something and yell out damnit! Mind you these two are really model christians mind, body, soul and in practice. She looked at him like did you really just cuss in front of Marshall? And I looked at him like you really just cussed. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my mama. They had been together for over fifty years. Talk about seeing a partner at their worst and best...they had done and seen it all. They were truly, completely, hopelessly in love.
You might be asking Marshall, when does this get brighter? And what does this have to do with anything. Well here you go. She will never get a chance to see who I really am. I'll never get a chance to tell her. I never told her, but she knew and I know she accepted me. It's so unfortunate that death has to encourage me to fully accept myself so that I can always be transparent and genuine. I've learned that I have to be vulnerable, accepting the possibility of love, laughter, and even hurt and pain. The words there's only now, there's only here...give in to love or live in fear have never made more sense than they do today. I've rediscovered life through death. Godmama...tonight's show is for you.
No other path...no other way
No day but today
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